Guilt and Shame When Your Little One Has an Eating Disorder

What happens when your young child is diagnosed with an eating disorder?  Well, if you are me, you put on your heaviest boxing gloves and go to town beating yourself up!  I regretted everything I’d done raising her for 7 years.  I regretted everything I hadn’t done in those 7 years.  I went over and over every memory I had, searching for the terrible things I must have done or neglected to do.  Maybe if I’d given her more candy, she’d be fine.  Or perhaps I gave her too much candy.  Maybe I should have given her more choice of foods.  Or perhaps I offered her too much choice in what to eat.  Maybe we shouldn’t have gone to so many restaurants.  Or maybe the food I prepared at home was inadequate.  I really spent hours and hours torturing myself about how and why this was my fault.

            I flashed back to holding her in my arms in the hospital when she was one day old.  I was overcome with the responsibility I felt for this tiny 7 pound being.  It was on my shoulders to provide her with nourishing food, a safe resting place, a love that she should never doubt, and a well-rounded education that would equip her to do whatever she wanted in life.  Yes, I had a husband, but when you carry in your arms a child that only hours before you carried inside of your body, the responsibility feels yours alone.  And any deviation from perfection seems like your fault.

            The reality is that of course it wasn’t someone’s fault that my daughter has an eating disorder.  Eating disorders are complex, with both genetic and non-genetic influences.  The guilt over “causing” her ED is pointless, not based in reality, and wasted many of my already weary hours.  It really did take me a long time to untie the boxing gloves.  Much too long.  I think some processing time, and experiencing some remorse and grief is probably natural.  But I went countless rounds in that ring.  Once I let go of my alleged errors, I was able to better focus on what matters: healing my daughter.

            Now only if others could do the same!  Seriously, what is the judgement other people give when I say my child was diagnosed with an eating disorder at age 7?  And it comes from everywhere: teachers, friends, neighbors, family members, and even her (former) pediatrician!  But guess what?  After I retired from boxing myself over guilt, I don’t feel the need to defend myself against shame.  Their judgement is based on misunderstanding eating disorders.  I don’t need to own how they feel.  I can only own what I know: guilt and shame have no place in my fight against my daughter’s eating disorder.